There once was a girl who felt like she lived in darkness. She was lost and hopeless not needing help, not even God’s comfort. She was all alone and she thrived in the sadness but She wasn’t always like this. It all began with a first love and a final heart ache.

Now, Like every other girl her first love gave her her surname.

A noble man, she would describe him but that’s all she remembered.
She didn’t remember much after he left her waiting, hoping but he never came back. She blamed herself for his departure. She went through life, Isolated by pain trying to fill a void like reaching an itch she couldn’t scratch.

She was so scared and all alone. Her heart was broken and she couldn’t mend her soul. Her first love had abandoned her. Packed a suitcase never looked back.

So she set out to find him. Showed up on his doorstep booming with hope. All the stories she wanted to tell him. But fear gripped her heart unable to move. She missed him but a part of her couldn’t face him.

She blamed herself for his walk down the steps. Drowning daily in self loathe as she wished she could be dead.

Then with courage she went up his steps. Raising her hand to ring the bell… She hesitated looking back telling her feet to run but she had to say she was sorry. She wanted to say she would be better if he just came back.

So with a deep breath she pushed herself and as she listened to the echoes of the bell, her palms sweating, feeling hopeful, she saw him walk up his steps just as the door opened and a child seeming gleeful ran past her into his arms and the words that lingered that she can’t forget, spilled out of the child’s mouth, Daddy.

She was mortified for a few seconds.

Heart broken, she ran fast looking down trying not to meet his eyes as expectations became disappointments and her heart already ripped, completely shattered and the pieces she left behind for him to bury in her unmarked grave.

It was a pain she hadn’t felt before. She chocked as she tried grasping for air but her lungs were betraying her. She was now dead inside.

She ran fast, faster, blinded by her tears thoughts racing through her mind as she wondered was she never good enough.

She felt worthless. Abandoned and replaced. Finally she collapsed, legs on her side face down and she wailed.

She was yours but you didn’t even recognize her. You didn’t run after her. She felt like a distant memory to a man she longed for. She was all alone once more. As she always had been every father’s day and everyday since after you left and she had to endure the sights of happy families…complete from the head to the child.

She wondered why.. why was she never good enough, why would you abandon her. She wondered what she lacked that you needed to replace her. She asked why over and over as her head burned and she could feel the heat from the pain swell up.

She felt stupid for hiding your pictures. Ones she would steal glances at when no one was around and stop herself from crying.

Her worst fear had come to life. You had forgotten her. She was now sure you wouldn’t come back and I guess that’s what hurt the most.
Being abandoned.

Permissible Love

Love is the most over used word in the English vocabulary. It is what we say when we want something. It is a word we use but rarely diffuse.

To us, love is the emotion that overflows when we meet someone. It is the emotion you can’t scribble because you can’t describe what you do not understand and sadly you become a poet who ran out of words.

To you it feels like you have been two world apart for too long and now fate brought you together and it’s like fairytales do exist.

Then comes the fall, slowly words remain unsaid and you are left grasping at a single strand of hope but as time speeds by all you remember are the different colours his memory portrays and eventually even that seems like a glimpse in the dark that soon siezes to exist and now you are strangers.

To others, love is a tale told by idiot for people to find hope in but still there is a void in its meaning.

We claim to have found love when we find attention. We claim it is real but we know we are just living in excuses. We don’t really find love until it is love linked to Grace.

Yes love is bold and it is kind. Love breeds patience, the richest kind. All this is a burst of essence from his glory combined. Love is not really permissible when he watches from behind.

So put him first and let him lead otherwise you will love for all the wrong reasons. You will hurt for all the right reasons. Lessons you will learn hard because you refused to listen now look you have chosen man over his divine counsel. So be careful if you feel a miss listen better he’s the voice you tend to miss.

Choose the path narrow even if it is a tight squeeze. Rewards you will reap when your heart is at peace and by your side is a complete set of ribs. You and him. Just like he intended it to be.

So listen carefully. Don’t be afraid to break a heart. Choose your soul not your lust.

You have spent years dreaming of the perfect love. Don’t settle until that is where your heart falls last.

There are many ways of breaking hearts. Stories were full of hearts being broken by love, but what really broke a heart was taking away it’s dream, whatever that dream may be.
~Pearl Syndenstricker Buck ~

The Forgotten Santa

It’s that time of year again. The time closest to magic events. It is the time we scheme and plan our goals. You Know, create timelines of events we hope will come to pass, you probably get down on your knees one too many times to make up for a year of silence as God waits for you to ask but you brush off every circumstance telling yourself NEVER GIVE UP or just NEVER SAY NEVER as if you can create miracles and make the Impossible possible on your own.

I get it though. Life can be really busy so you forget to give thanks but as always when greed comes knocking on your door and you crave more, you find time to get on your knees.

You forget to give praise and honour. You forget to break bread yet you claim you are so holy. You forget that one prayer at dinner and your kids just like you forget that bedtime starts with Thanksgiving and repentance.

You forget to ask for forgiveness and now, during the season of miracles you dare to remember. I wonder is it for riches and blessings that you go to church or is it to worship and honor God for happiness that I’m sure you lack because you only see where greed drives you never where your heart thrives with you.

You work hours for days and months just to get a simple pay and get by so unhappy. Instead of utilizing a resource called faith by just getting on our knees to believe and chase your dreams.

So my question is why work years for millions just to sit back lonely waiting for death’s grasp instead of having fun in a field you love, changing the world through passionate desire and finally settling in the end having done everything you dreamed of awaiting death happier alive to reap rewards only sown in deaths bed.

So why do we forget? Why not teach our kids that God is Santa Claus instead of a man in red carrying gifts that they never receive only to realize when they are older that they were being scammed just to live with good behavior.

I mean it is not wrong to want our kids to grow obedient but why not teach of miracles that impact wisdom and laughter.

Why not teach faith and that in prayer they will receive. Why not teach what matters most. Why fabricate lies instead of teaching the truth that they will remain with all their lives?

Dreaming Girl

There once was a girl who would dream. Lying awake under the stars she would scheme. Lighting bulbs to illuminate her path. Leaving blueprints so the world could see her wrath.

You see, the world always made her feel like she couldn’t amount to much but through perseverance she sow seeds planted the little she had then built walls to shield from pain. She was not as confident but she was determined to bring the world to its knees.

She cast the world aside and dared to define her life and with that she awoke from a slumber where her dream could finally be reality and once more she dared to dream.

She had gained power, like in her slumber she could now control her fate.

So the question she poses is what is your dream?

A Deed Undenied

I woke up one morning. I had a dream about disrespect. Fell for a boy with evil intent. Pampered but fake loved to a single extent.

Take me home, force your hand. Dry my tears as you drain my health. Say I am pretty but to fuel your thirst. Push it deeper because the pain is your lust!

I would yell and scream but you would numb me with a thrust. “Let me go” words that serves as a gasp. You’d Rob me of my virginity just so you would feel a little power.

The neighbors would scorn and blame me but that meant only a night in jail for you! The legal system would enslave me.

I’d be a victim in mind but to the world you did no such crime. When you are done you would laugh and say you are sorry but my disgust would tell a different story.

Curled up in a corner contemplating my sexuality. A knife at hand and a Bible at heart. A choice to die or change my society. One final prayer…heaven with one last breathe.

A deed that defined my self worth. A story once told, would never go undenied.


Silent notes ring in my head. Daggered guilt possesses my thoughts.

I am tired but I can’t reach out for help so I stay silent and hope the echoes that my  screams make dim so I don’t go insane.

To be honest I want to get down on my knees and pray but I wonder if you’ll listen and reply or do I need faith to get answers from you.

I know I can be disappointing. I’ve tried…sealed doors to keep the devil out by somehow through the cracks thoughts become temptations and once more I fall.

I want to cry out to you but are you still there or like salt have I lost my saltiness and what is left is grain. Useless to the human eye.

I don’t know if this is the end of the road for me. I wonder though will your blessings come to pass or has my entitlement led me so astray that you deem me unfit to carry your crown?
Will your glory one day be seen through me or has the darkness eaten away at my heart that there’s nothing left to save.

I know….
It is frustrating at times. Talking to you in my head and wondering about the different answers to expect and I’m left at the start line trying to figure out what road to take.. what choice to make…what path dictates what your grace holds for me.

I used to hear your voice..now it’s endless noises.. forgotten choices and an undivulged pain…shelves on top of shelves of mistakes that make me wonder are you even listening?

Time will tell though. As I grow I pray your word will be my path. For even as death draws near I pray I die having achieved my goal and I can finally say I died a bride to a groom of peace and laughter and my soul forever unchanged from his love. God’s love.