Dear God it’s been a while. I know it’s my fault. I hid when I backslid. I guess it’s like a program in us. I mean ain’t it funny Adam and Eve did the same thing.
Yet the most perplexing thing is you came knocking once more. You just never give up do you? I’m not complaining.

I feel lucky that no matter how many times I fall you’re ever there to pick me up. You know you said forgive 70*7.

It scares me. Does that mean 490 times? I’ll admit. I don’t really understand this because it feels like I’ve been on a roll for what seems like eternity. I mean haven’t I surpassed 490? I am not proud of this but I am scared. I try not to sin but then sometimes subconsciously I lie then it hits me after that I did and it scares me that one day you may not be there to pick me up. I don’t want to be alone. Not away from you at least because I feel you in my chest spilling happiness. Mending my soul leaving it forever smiling.

Like a father you have been patient. You watch me sin but expect me to learn from my choices and if I’m being honest pain is a damn good teacher but you knew that. That’s why you didn’t stop me from going down the dark road. You wanted me to learn from the scares and the things that go boom at night that I desperately wanted to be a part of. Peer pressure am I right. Then at the end of the road you stood patiently awaiting me, your prodigal son. I guess that’s why they say there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

I can never be good enough. Not for the world, nor for your grace but you don’t need me to be good enough. You love me for who I am.. Which is why when I’m down you come to mind. When I’m happy I raise my voice.

Even in between I still look to you. You are my compass. For in this life we learn and evolve. We change constantly. Lose people, Lose love, We lose ourselves, Our minds, but even when all is lost. You’re still our compass. You’ve always been the North point. In the end you are hope when we have none. You are peace when we need it most.

You are life when we are on the edge. You provide when we have none. You are first and last. Our friend and master. You are that which we cannot see. You are that which we feel and believe. You are will un faulted. For you are I am.


Footprints and legacies can be hard to form. Sometimes the world takes you in a completely different direction from where you want to go.

Let me explain. Imagine you went to school. Chose a four year course in the spur of the moment not knowing who you are or what you want to become. You chose out of the thought that it won’t matter what you do. I mean very few people end up doing what they study for.

Two years down the line you found your passion. It came late and there’s no looking back. You decide to stick with the course as you do what you truly want. Multi tasking can’t be that hard right.

However, the passion grows and all the other activities feel like a hindrance. You have less time for your passions and it is stressful. You want to drop everything. Telling yourself everything will be okay. I mean you believe in yourself and you know you won’t stop until you reach your goal.

Reach for the Stars

You truly want to burn every boat but there’s a lot at stake. Too many people to disappoint. Hell you feel like hiding just to thrive on what you feel is truly yours. Avoid the critics and the million lectures from family and friends. Everyone thinking you are crazy. Letting go of something safe. Something guaranteed to take a risk.

It can be constricting to dream a dream while chasing a different reality trying to be patient enough to finish the study you are on just so you can reach for the Stars and fly higher than limits reach.


Dreams that burn your bones. Dreams that stress through your pores, that make your heart beat faster, louder. Dreams that make you restless.

You are left wondering if you should quit to chase your dream leave footprints that will teach your predecessor to go after their passions or values or should you cower to pressure. Be patient not sure if when you are done you will pursue your dream or succumb to more pressure from the ones you love and be imprisoned by regrets of what could have been.

Chasing your dreams

Choose the path that leads to your happiness. Everyone lives their lives separate from yours. The world may abandon you now but when you succeed, you will once again be the pride they want to be associated with. Choose your path. If you have no direction, don’t stray from the path you have been raised on. You will fall on your own, alone. Leave the path only when you know you are ready and sure.

Don’t be pushed around by the fears in your mind. Be led by the dreams in your heart. -Roy T. Bennett.

Dos and Don’t of Valentines Day

The month of love has finally arrived and as always ladies, some of you are about to be disappointed big time.

Some, well the lucky few who actually get more than they expected. Well let’s just say alot of people envy you.

So here are some does and don’t for Valentine’s day.

First things first, The Venue. Guys, please do not take a lady out to a fast food joint that she probably goes to daily. I don’t care how broke you are.

Valentines day

It is cheaper to make her a nice home cooked meal and I don’t know. Set up some candles set the mood. Fast food restaurant or places you know she frequents are a no go zone. Try something different. Take her for a picnic at night or a weekend away to a peaceful place. Try something out of the box.

Ladies on the other hand try lower your expectations. You might end up missing out on an amazing night because you’re hung up on a trip to Fiji.


The second thing you need to remember is roses aren’t the only kind of flowers out there. I mean we have red carnations which are cheaper by the way, orchids. They last longer than roses and damn do they scream exotic. My personal favorite would be peonies. They have this fairytale feel to them.

For the ladies. Don’t expect him to make a big deal out of Valentine’s day like you. Men don’t tend to be all mushy and sentimental about this holiday. I mean I get it. Do we actually treat our men for Valentines day? Hell if he got a PS 5 on the 14th. Valentine would probably be one of his favorite holidays. I get it’s a ladies holiday but don’t make it all about you. Compromise.

Next thing you need to know is Valentines day comes with goodies. Sexy lingeries, cute undies. I mean you don’t need a man to buy these things. Just get one for yourself. Feel sexy.

Take care of what you eat. Things like garlic and onions can leave your mouth smelling. It ruins the mood. He probably won’t lean in for a kiss at the end of the day.

Ofcourse the biggest mistake any guy could make is to forget about the holiday. Plan ahead. Look for substitutes of packed restaurants. Make an early reservation. Oh and don’t forget, you might not be together on that day but that doesn’t mean you can’t have a belated Valentine.

Lastly, dress up. Feel sexy. Go out and make other men jealous. A sexy woman is confident. You’re a mood girl. Don’t sit around sulking because you are all alone. Don’t spend the night on that sofa watching chick flicks or Hallmark movies. Heck go live them.

Hit him with your car and fall in love. I mean it’s Valentines. Anything can happen. Cupid is granting wishes. ♥️

Self Discipline.

Boxing, success

I thought it important to write this because I am a victim of this. I have been trying to lose weight for the last year and always when I crave Maryland I have a battle in my head and I end up losing to my desires.

It has been a struggle. Trying to be better than I am and each time I last longer but I figured if I am not disciplined who the hell am I kidding. I’ll just be making goals that I will never attain.

See self discipline means taking control of your mind and your body. Its about delayed gratification. Even if you really want that new car, you have to invest first so that you can have more but most of us just go for the car.

Self discipline means tuning your mind to a particular mindset and the more you stick to it, your mind adjusts to it’s new norm.

It’s better to keep eating healthy no matter how bad you crave that burger. No matter how bad you want to give up because isn’t quiting always so attractive when things get hard.

The secret to success lies in pushing through. Taking in the pain and growing. If you were jogging start running. Push yourself harder each time. When everyone gives 100 give 110. Don’t stop because your friend stops. That’s a blinding mindset we seem to fall for. It is our excuse to quit.

You didn’t start the race to gratify them. You started it to gratify yourself. Look out for yourself. Look out for number one first. They may quit but that doesn’t mean you should be poor together. Do you want to rejoice in failure together or will you branch out break the norm and reach for the Stars.

Hell it doesn’t matter if they are your best friend. Would you rather face the pain of regret or will you branch out and face the pain of discipline reaping rewards that were once a luxury but now a necessity.

Discipline, freedom

Self discipline is the bridge between what you hope for and its achievement. You know you are capable otherwise you wouldn’t be reading this looking for a push forward. So here’s the push. Gain control. Gain control of your mind. Gain control of your desires, of your life.

Take control for losing it means losing yourself. It means losing your dream, your hope. It means losing face and stumbling and the only way out is DISCIPLINE.

Letting go of the past.

Past, letting go of the past

When we think of the past, we think of the best memories trying to surpress the worst ones. For some we only see the worst unsure if you had any good.

You see, the past is a mirror to show you how far you have come, how far you have run. Though sometimes we can get lost in the past and it becomes hard to see the future.

Now the past is holding you back. You constantly think of the glory days or the myriad regrets, thinking of the million things you could have done different maybe then your now could be better.

You keep living life looking back ashamed of who you are, how you turned out to be, a failure, because you didn’t listen to your dad, a drug addict because you blamed yourself for a death, a sadist, depressed, hating yourself for circumstances you cannot change.

Circumstances if you chose to see different you would realize changed you, they made you stronger less gullible. You need to stop living looking back, you cannot do anything to change the past, but you can live a better future so as to leave a better past.

Some of us had better pasts and the future looks kind of crappy and you wish you could have never grown up probably win the pagent a couple more times, act more movies be great, be know not a joke like you are now.

Still, what good is it to live in the past? Yeah these achievements built your credentials but a lost opportunity doesn’t mean you lost what made you special. You do not need a judge to tell you you’re beautiful or you act with an unparalleled passion.

You need to see it in yourself. You need to believe in yourself and get off that couch hit the gym and start your race for greatness again. It might take a week or a month or a year maybe even two but giving up is admitting you were never great in the first place. You were just a method actor in your life. A scam.

You need to forgive yourself for the past that came about from your choices. Forgive yourself for the things you can not change and live for the things you can. Most of the time when we look at our past we think of the people we let down, the people we can not see again because we believe that they can not forgive us. You know, time heals all wounds. You’ve been away so long that they probably worry about you more than they care for what you did.

They probably forgave you, you just have to say you’re sorry. Don’t be afraid. Take the step to heal. In the end you will realize, the forgiveness you needed was not theirs but yours. You need to forgive yourself to move on. You need to forgive yourself but do not forget the lesson. The past is all about the lessons, we learn and adapt, no need to get stuck there. If you can not let go, find a pillar. Mine is God. Find a pillar to pull you out and remind you, you’re much more than this. You are worthy.

The past is not holding you back, you are holding on to your past. ~Amanda Ray~

Be the change you need. Take a step. Rewrite the future to make it different from your past. What use is there to bring your horrid past to the generation you are breeding. Why drag them into your unhappiness instead of giving them a chance to have a greater past and an even better future.

Face what is holding you back head on and burn that boat. If you must, let go of the memory just move on. You are just a decision away from creating a better past. Start now. Make it worth remembering.

Backbone of Success

Education has always been a key necessity in life. I’m sure we all know this. So why is it that when we hear of success stories we do not hear he got an A in his high school education. Heck even some of our politicians did not manage a C.

Let me start by telling you where all this is coming from.

I was reading the story of Alfred Dunhill. A great man, a visionary. He was uneducated in a time when Education was of the utmost value. Now, Dunhill worked in a church in London as the caretaker. He swept the floors and kept the podium clean.

He had been hired by an old pastor who was not a stickler for rules which explains how we got a job without an education. However, as if fortune had turned its tide, time had come for the man to retire and the church was under new management. The old pastor was replaced by a new rigid young pastor. As the new pastor came to learn about Dunhill’s education background, he discovered that he had not attained a high school certificate. So he gave him six months to attain a certificate or resign.

Dunhill had no option but to resign. Attaining a high school education in six months was nearly impossible. As he was taking a stroll down Bond street, Dunhill had an impulse to smoke. He walked along that street looking for a place to buy a cigarette and surprisingly he could not find a single shop that he could get cigarettes from. He moved on to a side street and was able to get a cigarette.

As he walked back into bond street, he realized there was a market gap. As i said the man was a visionary, he started a small shop on that street which succeeded above and beyond. He got customers not just from his street but from the other streets as well. Soon one shop turned to two and two turned to four and before long there were sixteen shops. It took him three years to become the leading tobacconist in England. Who would have predicted it, from hand rolling to machine rolling the man became a Millionaire in only three years. Soon after he entered into a purchase agreement with some American so as to keep the supply of tobacco flowing.

Fast forward to the present date and Dunhill is the most expensive brand of cigarettes. This was a man who had no education, a man who many probably looked at and thought he has no future. Yet as we remember the man we remember the words echoed in his legacy; “if i knew to read and write, i would still be sweeping the church.”

This is my thinking, if this man was educated, would he not do what most of us in his position would do, the logical thing. Over analyse the situation, run around looking for a job desperately. We would probably call everyone we know begging for an opportunity. For us we see the trouble coming after, we see the societal judgement, we panic and we end up missing the opportunity. We do not step back and see our failure as another opportunity. We do not follow our hearts and rejoice in our misdeeds the deeds that close one path for us to discover another. If we were smart we would follow the script. get a high paying job, highly influential, probably be in someone’s pocket since in a world like ours, don’t you need connections to get to where you want and how many times are those connections free.

The beauty of success is the sweat, it is the sleepless nights spent worrying and scheming. Fixing the millions of problems that arise on the road and praying earnestly to get to a point of stability where you are sure you have food on the table and smiles all round from a family that is neither rich or poor just contented.

Education is a stepping stone, it is what starts the engine but our gut feeling, our intelligence natural or acquired is what gets us there. You may live on the streets now but it does not take millions to start a business. It just takes the hundred or the fifty or even the five dollars you have to get you going.

Dunhill serves to inspire the world not to let an obstacle push you under but in the midst of ashes, RISE.

Burn the boats.

Have you ever been stuck going round in circles chasing a dream that never starts. Then you decide to settle for the open options. A desk job working long hours hating what you do. Living a depressed life. As long as the bills are paid right?

Yeah. I know that feeling. You feel stuck in your head and you blame it on doubt and fear. You never seem to begin only dream and time seems to be flying by. You always wake up saying I’ll start tomorrow. You even make a schedule then tomorrow comes, something happens. You have an endless pile of documents and books to go through and they are needed now rather than later. So you put it off. So sure tomorrow you will get a chance to start.

You are afraid of starting because you are afraid of failing. Fear can be a powerful force. If utilized well it could lead to greatness. If you let it control you. You sure as hell better stop dreaming.

It is okay to be afraid. It makes you careful. It makes you paranoid enough to watch your steps but letting fear control you backs you into a corner and your dreams will be collecting dust at the back of your head always wondering what could have been if you just took a step.

You need to realize that all great people didn’t start out dreaming and then bam. They succeeded. They started out failing a couple hundred times. Failed inventions, stolen ideas, risky investments and damn did they feel like giving up. Losing everything can demoralize you but they didn’t quit. They set their mind out to a life where they could be masters of fates.

My father always told me when you feel like quiting burn the boat. Never have a back up option to go back to. It’s a trap. When the going gets tough don’t look back and say atleast I still have my corporate job.

Be like Hernan Cortes when he took his men to Mexico to capture what was said to be a magnificent treasure in 1519. He burned their boats to emphasize to his men that there is no going back and in that moment he cut off all hopes of looking back and retreating. It took them two years to conquer Aztec Empire.

This is psychological. It’s like adrenaline kicking in when you know you are about to die. Their level of commitment changed because the only way out is through.

Point is, the fall back plan is what is holding you back. Be bold enough to remove the training wheels. Cut off that safety net.

The only way to succeed is to have no other option but success. Cross the start line then destroy the way back. Do not look back just trust your instincts and God ofcourse.

My advice, Start Already. Be Determined and Confident. Take a risk and be resilient. You never know what will happen until you take the first step.

The fun in playing.

I spent the day reading about sports and how they helped create who we are today. It got me thinking about my childhood. I didn’t grow up with much but I grew up happy.

I was happy waking up every morning running through dust clouds chasing after my friends playing a game of tap.

I must have fallen about a hundred times. Some days I cried. Some days I tried to act tough, strong. I wanted the other kids to think that I was a tough one. I guess it had something to do with wanting to be a cool kid. An alpha female.

It built character. I was always determined to be first.

Games like hop scotch and Kati were my favorite though. I mean come on. Kati was where wife instinct kicked in. You would do what you saw your mum doing and how she took care of your dad and just for a few hours you were her.

Then we would play hide and seek. Hiding near the post so that we could be first to tap the post so you wouldn’t be tapped out.

It was fun. Creating distinct memories. I mean we have forgotten so much from our childhoods but the memories we made with our friends, the bonds we made. Those are the things we remember. How they made us feel.

I guess that’s what sports is all about. Forming a bond with someone else. Living crazy and care free.

Having no regrets at that moment. All you care about is winning and celebrating together with your friends.

It was fun being a kid. We played so many different games that indirectly made us resilient though all we wanted to do was say hello another day. Run around another day. Hoping to meet new friends and just like that you would play like you knew each other since birth.

That’s the fun of sports I guess. Meeting new people learning new cultures creating new experiences. It is like going to war and all you have is your team and you knew at heart you would do anything to stand by them another day. They were family.

Even as we grew up, the feeling remained. The adrenaline rising and you refusing to give up. The anxiety before a game that would be drowned out when the whistle blew and all you had was just your team to get you through. For me that’s the fun in playing. The team.

Dear Men,

Bragging about your job on the first day we meet before I ask, doesn’t mean I’ll fall head over heels for you and even if i ask, talking endless about the little you make without asking me about my goals and dreams, brushing me off like i am so insignificant drives me to ignore you.

To be Honest it is really disrespectful. Do you sit back and see a woman who is unkempt or poor that you feel the need to express that you earn money like the only kind of men we need in life are sponsors?

Secondly, what happened to society that old men can now confidently approach young women and ask them out as if we are age mates . Is it that you view women as objects of sexual gratification that even your child becomes prey instead of cub and we hear cases of raped eight year olds by uncles and fathers as if the world has always been so vile.

Some women do not care that your emblem shows that you drive an expensive car. If I showed you mine you’d probably take two steps back because then you’d be left speechless that women do make money and some have fathers who spoil them even when they are 70 married and successful.

You show no respect for women or their intelligence. You fear a woman in power so much that you try to tear her down or break her. If you ask me i would say this is why we have abusive marriages. Men wanting power and the fear of a woman leading drives rage that Sparks anger and you let your demons show as you try to suppress her confidence. Telling her she is nothing without you.

Women need to realize that they threaten men and though they were created and made subjective to them, without respect is he really worth it?

These men who know nothing about you yet they call daily endlessly as if they have a right to own you. You block them they get another number. You try to erase them yet they still pop up over and over admitting to a love that you find unfounded because how can you love a face you have never met? You probably talked only once when you asked who was calling and you hung up uninterested and now he is in love and daily calling and texting endless messages starting with baby or honey pops, my queen cake like you are being forced into a relationship? like even the names you are using are unattractive. I mean names like those come from experiences you share only then do they become cute.

Men It is understandable. You dared to love and were shut out but why instead of admitting defeat do you let your emotions run deep and you take it upon yourself to play God and judge a woman’s fate. Do not think we have forgotten about the “my dress my choice” scandals but now you have moved one step up to murder. I guess the scales have really shifted. Why else would you give your wife 28 stab wounds. Is it really all about power?

The question I pose is this, is it men like our husbands and fathers who go after young women,dating their son’s girlfriends, leaving their wives behind chasing skirt after skirt unsatisfied that teach our sons it is okay to never respect a woman?

Is it sponsors that made our sons killers and our daughters prostitutes that now even she doesn’t see the value in keeping herself pure.

Don’t get me wrong. I blame women too. The girls who give themselves not out of need but out of desire to be wasted and enjoy fruits they do not have to work for. Women who I am sorry to say, legalize the sex trade for under age kids by advertising the fruits of exploitation and manipulation and acting as if life couldn’t get better to young kids, being role models to a life model kids should not pursue.

However, I do not blame all men some are good, they listen, they are passionate, they love sincerely and respectfully. I blame the few who do not see a woman’s need for space. those who think only of themselves. Today my message is respect like trust is a two way street. Do not lose a woman who could carry you on her back crawling for desires that even when well watered can never be fully satisfied.


There once was a girl who felt like she lived in darkness. She was lost and hopeless not needing help, not even God’s comfort. She was all alone and she thrived in the sadness but She wasn’t always like this. It all began with a first love and a final heart ache.

Now, Like every other girl her first love gave her her surname.

A noble man, she would describe him but that’s all she remembered.
She didn’t remember much after he left her waiting, hoping but he never came back. She blamed herself for his departure. She went through life, Isolated by pain trying to fill a void like reaching an itch she couldn’t scratch.

She was so scared and all alone. Her heart was broken and she couldn’t mend her soul. Her first love had abandoned her. Packed a suitcase never looked back.

So she set out to find him. Showed up on his doorstep booming with hope. All the stories she wanted to tell him. But fear gripped her heart unable to move. She missed him but a part of her couldn’t face him.

She blamed herself for his walk down the steps. Drowning daily in self loathe as she wished she could be dead.

Then with courage she went up his steps. Raising her hand to ring the bell… She hesitated looking back telling her feet to run but she had to say she was sorry. She wanted to say she would be better if he just came back.

So with a deep breath she pushed herself and as she listened to the echoes of the bell, her palms sweating, feeling hopeful, she saw him walk up his steps just as the door opened and a child seeming gleeful ran past her into his arms and the words that lingered that she can’t forget, spilled out of the child’s mouth, Daddy.

She was mortified for a few seconds.

Heart broken, she ran fast looking down trying not to meet his eyes as expectations became disappointments and her heart already ripped, completely shattered and the pieces she left behind for him to bury in her unmarked grave.

It was a pain she hadn’t felt before. She chocked as she tried grasping for air but her lungs were betraying her. She was now dead inside.

She ran fast, faster, blinded by her tears thoughts racing through her mind as she wondered was she never good enough.

She felt worthless. Abandoned and replaced. Finally she collapsed, legs on her side face down and she wailed.

She was yours but you didn’t even recognize her. You didn’t run after her. She felt like a distant memory to a man she longed for. She was all alone once more. As she always had been every father’s day and everyday since after you left and she had to endure the sights of happy families…complete from the head to the child.

She wondered why.. why was she never good enough, why would you abandon her. She wondered what she lacked that you needed to replace her. She asked why over and over as her head burned and she could feel the heat from the pain swell up.

She felt stupid for hiding your pictures. Ones she would steal glances at when no one was around and stop herself from crying.

Her worst fear had come to life. You had forgotten her. She was now sure you wouldn’t come back and I guess that’s what hurt the most.
Being abandoned.